No, I'm not a designer. I've always wanted to be and I think I know what looks good most of the time, but I just can't put it all together. I'll leave that to others, I suppose.
So bear with me as I endure our recent move and try to update this oh-so-meager looking blog 'o mine.
We moved! Ellie and I are now back in the land of the Hoosiers. I always said that I'd only move home if the perfect job fell into my lap. Well, it did. I'm the new E-School Coordinator for Indianapolis Public Schools. My charge is to identify and facilitate e-learning opportunities for students in five high schools. IPS is a large, struggling urban school district with a frightening drop-out rate. 75% of students we serve come from single family homes, so you know I have a passion for helping that population! I'm very excited about the work ahead of me. I feel like I'm in a position to DO SOMETHING.
That said, we're staying with my mom and dad until we close on the new house next week. I am eternally grateful for their generosity, but the truth is: there's a reason we moved out 20 years ago. I keep breathing and waiting. Patience is the lesson, for sure.
Would love to hear from any and all. I haven't posted in a long time so I don't know if anyone will ever come back!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
My Silly Entertainer
Ellie is so silly and insists - each evening - that she put on a dress, a "scarf" (notice the dish towel around her neck) and glasses (my reading glasses, of course) so that she can DANCE, DANCE, DANCE. I've noticed that she has quite an interest in "interpretive" dance moves, sometimes even using a hoola-hoop to express her inner Chita Rivera. She loves to shake that booty and even screams "oooowww" (R.I.P. James Brown) if the right song comes on. At the end of it all, she runs to the long mirror, admires herself greatly and then bows and says, "thank, you, thank you."
What have I gotten myself into?
What have I gotten myself into?
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I Miss Being Addicted to TV
Lately it seems like I'm too busy for TV and that makes me sad. One of my biggest joys in life is to sit and waste time watching television. Single-parenthood has changed all of that. While having sold the house makes for more time to sit and do nothing, getting Ellie to school, going to work, picking her up, eating dinner, reading books, riding bikes, night-time routine allows for me to have time for one thing: turn a few pages of a book (that I never remember and have to re-read every night) before sleep takes over. Whew, these days have been long.
But fun. I love being in an apartment for now. Being close to everything has allowed Ellie and I (and Cagney, too) to feel safer somehow. We're never very far away from each other and we don't have to clean the house if we don't want to (having a house on the market for nine months is enough to make anyone reconsider ever buying again). It's much more simple here, but it's also hard work. Maybe someday I'll be able to stay up late enough to watch silly television again.
But fun. I love being in an apartment for now. Being close to everything has allowed Ellie and I (and Cagney, too) to feel safer somehow. We're never very far away from each other and we don't have to clean the house if we don't want to (having a house on the market for nine months is enough to make anyone reconsider ever buying again). It's much more simple here, but it's also hard work. Maybe someday I'll be able to stay up late enough to watch silly television again.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
abstract ellie
Ellie's teacher sent this to me. I love it - her arms amidst the purple paint craziness. The teacher said that she encouraged the kids to "dig into" the paint and Ellie's the only one who would do it!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Moving or Britney? Which is harder to endure?
I know that I have experienced some major life turmoil and that I probably should focus on getting things in order since I moved over the weekend, but I can't stop worrying about Britney! Ever since she shaved her head, I've been worried sick.
Okay, I've had a major crush on Britney since back in the day (I know, I know) and have always followed her career. Her time with K-Fed almost caused me to lose hope for her, but it was a happy day when she saw the light and dumped his ass. I see her potential, her spunk, her cute butt and I just want the best for her. So, little Britney, get well. Make us proud, girl!
As a side note, moving sucked. It always sucks. I hate it and swear every time that I'll never do it again. But it's done and little Ellie-bug and I have a nice place to call home. If only I could unpack a few more boxes...
Okay, I've had a major crush on Britney since back in the day (I know, I know) and have always followed her career. Her time with K-Fed almost caused me to lose hope for her, but it was a happy day when she saw the light and dumped his ass. I see her potential, her spunk, her cute butt and I just want the best for her. So, little Britney, get well. Make us proud, girl!
As a side note, moving sucked. It always sucks. I hate it and swear every time that I'll never do it again. But it's done and little Ellie-bug and I have a nice place to call home. If only I could unpack a few more boxes...
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Clouds are Lifting?
I have had a tough couple of weeks but today I feel better.
I probably should have predicted that selling the house would have prompted me to feel the finality of the divorce, but I didn't see it coming. Combined with PMS and failure to refill my prescription for Paxil and I had a serious down-in-the-dumps couple of weeks, complete with weeping and wailing (but no gnashing of teeth).
Sometimes I guess I dont' realize the impact of my obvious chemical imbalance. I started taking Paxil about five years ago at my doctor's urging. My depression manifests itself as anxiety, so I was going down the road of some OCD behaviors as I sought to gain greater control over almost everything in my life. After the normal six weeks (or so) uptake period, I got major relief from the anxiety, so Paxil became my friend. I always likened it to the need a diabetic has for insulin - I didn't have enough whatever in my brain, so I took Paxil, which helped. I never understood why someone with depression would ever say, "maybe I'll go off the meds someday."
In my crazy divorce and changes in life, I decided that maybe I could be Paxil-free. So I started messing with my doses (dumb, dumb, dumb) and about two weeks ago, I just "forgot" to refill the prescription, resulting in five days off meds. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The results were obvious. Meltdown City.
But today the cloud has lifted. I think I'm back on track and feeling good - both physically and mentally. I'm excited to move, excited to move forward, excited to be the best mom I can be. Pressing forward.
I probably should have predicted that selling the house would have prompted me to feel the finality of the divorce, but I didn't see it coming. Combined with PMS and failure to refill my prescription for Paxil and I had a serious down-in-the-dumps couple of weeks, complete with weeping and wailing (but no gnashing of teeth).
Sometimes I guess I dont' realize the impact of my obvious chemical imbalance. I started taking Paxil about five years ago at my doctor's urging. My depression manifests itself as anxiety, so I was going down the road of some OCD behaviors as I sought to gain greater control over almost everything in my life. After the normal six weeks (or so) uptake period, I got major relief from the anxiety, so Paxil became my friend. I always likened it to the need a diabetic has for insulin - I didn't have enough whatever in my brain, so I took Paxil, which helped. I never understood why someone with depression would ever say, "maybe I'll go off the meds someday."
In my crazy divorce and changes in life, I decided that maybe I could be Paxil-free. So I started messing with my doses (dumb, dumb, dumb) and about two weeks ago, I just "forgot" to refill the prescription, resulting in five days off meds. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The results were obvious. Meltdown City.
But today the cloud has lifted. I think I'm back on track and feeling good - both physically and mentally. I'm excited to move, excited to move forward, excited to be the best mom I can be. Pressing forward.
Monday, January 22, 2007
My Little Pony Rider
Went to the National Western Stock Show last week and discovered that I might just have a cowgirl on my hands. I'm not sure if that scares me or not. Ellie was mesmerized by the rodeo and kept shouting, "go, boy!" or "yee haw!" much to the dismay of the more seasoned rodeo-goers around us (this was MY first rodeo, too). After a brief nap during the bull-riding, we ventured into the world of pigs and cows. I was most amazed at the full bar they offered in the middle of the cow barn. Not sure if it's the best place to drink a beer, but I loved the idea!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday Blues
I read once that it takes the average person 2 years (TWO years) to "recover" from divorce. I'm not even a year into it and I'm ready for recovery! Desperation about selling the house, heartache from the break-up, adjusting to being a single parent - it all came together last night and I had a full-on nuke-u-ar meltdown. It's a good thing Ellie was somewhere else when the volcano erupted because mama had a total tantrum.
Whew. Today is better and brighter and I feel more on solid ground. After a million friends have suggested finding a support group of some kind, I finally agree that I might try that. Any ideas where to start?
Whew. Today is better and brighter and I feel more on solid ground. After a million friends have suggested finding a support group of some kind, I finally agree that I might try that. Any ideas where to start?
Friday, January 12, 2007
Copying Schloobie - 1st Concert
I saw the Cars when I was 16. I had no idea what to expect and my friend, "But," (Julie Butler - may she rest in peace) and I went to see our second favorite band on a cold, cold Indiana night. First choice would have been U2 but that was near impossible back in the day. When Ric Ocasek started the show with "Hello," I thought I might faint. I can still picture my seat in Market Square Arena (may IT rest in peace).
My interest in concerts has kind of fizzled in past years and I decided not long ago that it had better be a damn good artist for me to pay big money and fight big crowds to see. I must be getting old because I'd rather see a Broadway show, but I'm somewhat embarassed to admit that I'd still pay big money to see Michael Jackson and Britney Spears (shhhhh, don't tell anyone). Others on the list of I'd-really-like-to-see? Pink, Elton John, Susan Tedeschi and Madonna. I know, a bit of a difference in music there, but I love them all so much.
Oh yeah, I would have added Cyndi Lauper to the must-see list but she gave us the cold shoulder in Seattle after we'd spent a week with her on a cruise ship. Bummer.
My interest in concerts has kind of fizzled in past years and I decided not long ago that it had better be a damn good artist for me to pay big money and fight big crowds to see. I must be getting old because I'd rather see a Broadway show, but I'm somewhat embarassed to admit that I'd still pay big money to see Michael Jackson and Britney Spears (shhhhh, don't tell anyone). Others on the list of I'd-really-like-to-see? Pink, Elton John, Susan Tedeschi and Madonna. I know, a bit of a difference in music there, but I love them all so much.
Oh yeah, I would have added Cyndi Lauper to the must-see list but she gave us the cold shoulder in Seattle after we'd spent a week with her on a cruise ship. Bummer.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
It's a New Year, Charlie Brown
I don't typically make resolutions. The New Year normally just comes with a return to school and start of a new semester. While it marks the end of my much-loved Christmas break, I usually look at the New Year with dismay.
Not this year. 2007 is my year. 2006 was full of turmoil and anger. I learned more than I ever wanted to about heartache and change and baby, it's time to move forward. Mark my words, this will be a good year.
Things about 2006 that I'm most thankful for:
1. my kids. They are the most beautiful, brilliant kids I know. No joke: they are the air I breathe.
2. my health. While I ate too much and drank a few too many cocktails this year, I stayed relatively healthy. That year-end root canal reminded me that not feeling well can taint everything. I'm thankful for a good year of health.
3. my family and friends. In times of crisis, the solid friends rise to the top. Although excruciating to learn, it's an important lesson and I appreciate the friends who have stood by me. My family goes without saying. I will forever love them for it.
4. my girlfriend. She makes me LAUGH every day. She's patient with my emotions but doesn't let me sell myself (or us) short in any regard. She challenges me to be a good mom and to do it different. My life changed when she entered.
Onto bigger and better. I'll take the good stuff into 2007 with me and leave the ugliness behind. Onward...
Not this year. 2007 is my year. 2006 was full of turmoil and anger. I learned more than I ever wanted to about heartache and change and baby, it's time to move forward. Mark my words, this will be a good year.
Things about 2006 that I'm most thankful for:
1. my kids. They are the most beautiful, brilliant kids I know. No joke: they are the air I breathe.
2. my health. While I ate too much and drank a few too many cocktails this year, I stayed relatively healthy. That year-end root canal reminded me that not feeling well can taint everything. I'm thankful for a good year of health.
3. my family and friends. In times of crisis, the solid friends rise to the top. Although excruciating to learn, it's an important lesson and I appreciate the friends who have stood by me. My family goes without saying. I will forever love them for it.
4. my girlfriend. She makes me LAUGH every day. She's patient with my emotions but doesn't let me sell myself (or us) short in any regard. She challenges me to be a good mom and to do it different. My life changed when she entered.
Onto bigger and better. I'll take the good stuff into 2007 with me and leave the ugliness behind. Onward...
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Not your normal holiday letter...
As most of you know, this has been a difficult year. My family broke up. Most of the people who know me would call it exactly what it is: a divorce. There are those, though, who wouldn't call it that because they still don't believe that a same sex relationship is valid. Ironically, my divorce experience strengthens my already-deep belief that families are families, no matter what they look like. And divorce brings a pain that runs as deep as the love I have felt.
My beautiful boy is nearly gone from my life. Because you can't have two moms, I'll spend one evening in the month of December with the boy who lived in my house for nine of his twelve years. He will see his sister slightly more than that, but not much.
My heartsong - my daughter - will continue to be confused as she wakes up every morning in a four-bedroom house that sounds empty as a cave. I try to fill the void with laughter and good food and my full attention as often as possible, but nothing fills the void right now that is her brother's absence. Until the house sells, we will stay in this space and hope it feels a little more full.
My fantasy family is gone. My best friend of nine years is no longer a friend. I dreamed of filling my beautiful home with memories of special peole, homework, traditions and love and more than the gut-wrenching disappointment of a failed relationship, I mourn the loss of that dream.
The elections are over and in Colorado a measure to protect domestic partnerships failed. While some might see this as a relief for me on the heels of a broken "marriage," I see just the opposite. Love and partnership is amazing - same sex couples or straight. And divorce is ugly, no matter who you are. We all have the right to experience both.
Hug your family tight during this holiday. Don't forget to look at the moon and wish for your kids to be safe and happy. And don't forget to pray that the adults in their lives can do it better than they have. Pray that we'll keep trying to do it better and that we'll do what is best and good. Peace.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Cough, Cough, Cough-ety Cough
E-bug was sick all weekend. Okay, so not just the weekend. It all started Thursday when I had a date. The Lion King tickets had been purchased months ago and I rarely get a night out these days, so we were really looking forward to the evening. I'd arranged for our pediatrician-friend/neighbor to watch Ellie for a few hours - until Courtney got home to take over. I made the comment, "what better babysitter than the pediatrician?" Not so humorous when the pediatrician/babysitter calls to say, "your daughter is WHEEZING." I love that word.
So the bug got her first nebulizer treatment, some careful attention from the ped/bab and an evening cut short by me. So began the troubles.
I never knew how stressful an upper respiratory problem could be for a three year old. Steroids, "nebbies" and antibiotics made for a nice round of hyperactivity, sleeplessness and diarrhea. Friday was the worst. Saturday was a tad bit better. Sunday was nice simply because Ellie didn't bounce off the walls all day. I actually read a magazine at one point. Sunday night's first full night of sleep (in many days) was a dream come true.
So the bug got her first nebulizer treatment, some careful attention from the ped/bab and an evening cut short by me. So began the troubles.
I never knew how stressful an upper respiratory problem could be for a three year old. Steroids, "nebbies" and antibiotics made for a nice round of hyperactivity, sleeplessness and diarrhea. Friday was the worst. Saturday was a tad bit better. Sunday was nice simply because Ellie didn't bounce off the walls all day. I actually read a magazine at one point. Sunday night's first full night of sleep (in many days) was a dream come true.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
my blogger absence
My life is pure drama right now. Several people have inquired about my online whereabouts and honestly, I have no valid answer other than to say that I've kind of been hunkering down and trying to figure out "life." That's all. Other than that, we're healthy. The kids are growing, the grass in getting greener and I'm counting down the days until summer vacation (like all good teachers). I'll be back soon.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
our poor girl
Ellie has a black eye and a stuffy nose. Damn restaurant chair fell right on her head - it happened so fast. I grabbed her and hustled out to the gum machine to distract her and some lady followed me out yelling, "DID YOU SEE HER EYE???" Of course I saw her eye. I guess it's good that people care but I was doing enough freaking out on my own.
She keeps saying her eye is "better now" but that she has "too many boogies." That's my girl.
She keeps saying her eye is "better now" but that she has "too many boogies." That's my girl.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
complete sentences abound
"I can't reach it."
"I love you too baby mama."
"Cagney, leave Ellie alone."
Just a sampling of my genius-child's repertoire of sentences.
We had such a wonderful evening, just me and the bug (Courtney working, Matthew at dad's). We made Ramen noodles ("oonles"), we watched the Olympics ("the jumpers"), we played with Polly Pockets, we read sticker books, we did laundry (Ellie LOVES putting the clothes in the machine). And we snuggled. I have the most snuggly bug ever and I love it. She spent an inordinate amount of time kissing my eyebrows...because she can. There was a time or two where she accidentally poked me in the eye, but she offered up a hug as apology.
Life is good.
"I love you too baby mama."
"Cagney, leave Ellie alone."
Just a sampling of my genius-child's repertoire of sentences.
We had such a wonderful evening, just me and the bug (Courtney working, Matthew at dad's). We made Ramen noodles ("oonles"), we watched the Olympics ("the jumpers"), we played with Polly Pockets, we read sticker books, we did laundry (Ellie LOVES putting the clothes in the machine). And we snuggled. I have the most snuggly bug ever and I love it. She spent an inordinate amount of time kissing my eyebrows...because she can. There was a time or two where she accidentally poked me in the eye, but she offered up a hug as apology.
Life is good.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
they're growing up too fast
There's nothing better than working in the kitchen while the kids hang out. Matthew usually does his homework while I could dinner - looks like Ellie will join in on this part of the daily routine. I love it.
Routine makes me happy. I love the predictable and I love the comfort that comes from doing familiar things. I know that whatever else happens during the day, by 9:00 pm, I'm relaxed with a book or the remote. I love that every night at a not-so-precisely-predictable time, Ellie and I sit and read books and snuggle before bedtime. I love that every evening around 4:00, Matthew and I shoot hoop in the living room until Courtney yells at us to stop.
Routine makes me happy. I love the predictable and I love the comfort that comes from doing familiar things. I know that whatever else happens during the day, by 9:00 pm, I'm relaxed with a book or the remote. I love that every night at a not-so-precisely-predictable time, Ellie and I sit and read books and snuggle before bedtime. I love that every evening around 4:00, Matthew and I shoot hoop in the living room until Courtney yells at us to stop.
Monday, February 06, 2006
better now
If Ellie has an "owie" and I ask her about it, she usually says, "better now." That's how I feel today. Better now.
The weekend was good, although there's not much worth noting. I struggle with leaving Ellie - we had a babysitter on Saturday night and it was like pulling teeth for me to leave the house. I'm not sure why - sometimes I think I'm being "overboard-mama," while sometimes I think I just like hanging out with her after a week of being at work. Courtney and I need a night out here and there, though, so we went to dinner and had a great time.
Was there a Super Bowl yesterday? I can honestly say that I didn't watch a minute of it. Not even for the ads. I'm actually not sure where my day went. We watched Toy Story 2 and some morbid movie about 9/11 (I watched it while Ellie played with her trains - Courtney was working). The day just kind of melted away otherwise...
Back at it - sometimes I love Mondays, sometimes I hate 'em. Today's looking pretty good.
The weekend was good, although there's not much worth noting. I struggle with leaving Ellie - we had a babysitter on Saturday night and it was like pulling teeth for me to leave the house. I'm not sure why - sometimes I think I'm being "overboard-mama," while sometimes I think I just like hanging out with her after a week of being at work. Courtney and I need a night out here and there, though, so we went to dinner and had a great time.
Was there a Super Bowl yesterday? I can honestly say that I didn't watch a minute of it. Not even for the ads. I'm actually not sure where my day went. We watched Toy Story 2 and some morbid movie about 9/11 (I watched it while Ellie played with her trains - Courtney was working). The day just kind of melted away otherwise...
Back at it - sometimes I love Mondays, sometimes I hate 'em. Today's looking pretty good.
Friday, February 03, 2006
feeling ever distant
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing parts of my brain. I forget things, I feel exhausted, I lose patience and sometimes I just can't feel very connected with the people I'm closest to. Is it old age (relatively speaking, of course)? Is it raising a toddler? Is it just having too much to juggle? Is it just that my brain is full?
TGIF
TGIF
Thursday, February 02, 2006
nothing too original
stole this from dooce.
Four jobs I've had:
1. strawberry picker in the hot, humid, Fisher's Strawberry Farm. I carted my little stool around (squatting sucks) and put all the green ones in the bottom, red ones on top.
2. receptionist/gopher at the Indiana Guaranty Fund ("Guaranteed Fun...may I help you?)
3. landscaper at Grandma's ("dad, I cut the line on the trimmer...again")
4. rock/pinecone salesperson (ages 5 - 7). We (Rachel and I) sold one pinecone for $1 but Rachel's mom made us take it back.
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Pee Wee's Big Adventure
3. Urban Cowboy
4. Dirty Dancing (because Courtney makes me)
Four places I've lived:
1. Southport, Indiana
2. Upland, Indiana
3. Indianapolis, Indiana
4. Littleton, Colorado
Four TV shows I love:
1. ER
2. Laguna Beach
3. The L Word
4. Sleeper Cell
Four of my favorite dishes:
1. pasta, pasta, pasta (anything with red sauce)
2. Courtney's ravioli soup (does that go with the pasta entry?)
3. Chik-Fil-A sandwich (with a shout out to Schloobie!)
4. Chinese food of any kind
Four sites I visit daily:
1. Indianapolis Star (gotta check my hometown news)
2. Dooce (funny, funny, funny)
3. Rosie's blog (love my rosie)
4. Schloobie (gotta keep up with my peeps)
Four places I'd rather be now:
1. Mexico, Mexico, Sexico
2. New York City, baby
3. Las Vegas
4. Home
Four jobs I've had:
1. strawberry picker in the hot, humid, Fisher's Strawberry Farm. I carted my little stool around (squatting sucks) and put all the green ones in the bottom, red ones on top.
2. receptionist/gopher at the Indiana Guaranty Fund ("Guaranteed Fun...may I help you?)
3. landscaper at Grandma's ("dad, I cut the line on the trimmer...again")
4. rock/pinecone salesperson (ages 5 - 7). We (Rachel and I) sold one pinecone for $1 but Rachel's mom made us take it back.
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Pee Wee's Big Adventure
3. Urban Cowboy
4. Dirty Dancing (because Courtney makes me)
Four places I've lived:
1. Southport, Indiana
2. Upland, Indiana
3. Indianapolis, Indiana
4. Littleton, Colorado
Four TV shows I love:
1. ER
2. Laguna Beach
3. The L Word
4. Sleeper Cell
Four of my favorite dishes:
1. pasta, pasta, pasta (anything with red sauce)
2. Courtney's ravioli soup (does that go with the pasta entry?)
3. Chik-Fil-A sandwich (with a shout out to Schloobie!)
4. Chinese food of any kind
Four sites I visit daily:
1. Indianapolis Star (gotta check my hometown news)
2. Dooce (funny, funny, funny)
3. Rosie's blog (love my rosie)
4. Schloobie (gotta keep up with my peeps)
Four places I'd rather be now:
1. Mexico, Mexico, Sexico
2. New York City, baby
3. Las Vegas
4. Home
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