i just belched

I've been a teacher for thirteen years, so I've had my fair share of weird moments. I'm not real proud of some of them...

Once I tripped while walking in front of my class. I did my best Pee Wee Herman imitation and yelled, "I MEANT TO DO THAT!"

Twice I fell off a stool in front of my class. Banged up my tail bone pretty badly but handled it with incredible grace. Ha.

Years ago, with a class full of kids, a student asked, "Ms. Brown, what is EJACULATION?"

I once casually sauntered out of the building with my students in typical fire drill fashion, until I noticed that there were flames shooting down the hall behind me. What did I do? I put my hand on the kid in front of me and yelled, "RUN!" Just what we're NOT supposed to do, right?

Just last week I started to talk and out came nothing but the biggest belch ever.

When my school was undergoing major renovation, I once stood in front of a wall, believeing 100% that it was about to come down. I put my back to it and made myself as large as possible (as if I could shield anyone from a WALL) and told a kid to run and get the principal. The wall didn't come down. But I was ready.

I have been known to bribe students to do work with candy, no homework, tickets to movies, pizza, marbles, field trips, trips outside and gum. (None of it works).

I have resorted to singing and dancing to get student's attention.

I have made students stand on their desks to look out a window so they could see my daughter walking by (with her daycare class).

I have told many a failed joke. I am convinced to this day that teenagers don't really have a sense of humor.

I have played very loud hip hop, rap, techno and SCREAMING music (at a student's request) to show how hip and cool I am. I don't succeed.

I have given "the rock" about eight thousand times, hoping someone will think I'm hip and cool. Still, I don't succeed.

I have attempted to speak "hip hop" to appeark hip and cool. I don't succeed.

I once showed the movie "Babe" to my class as a reward and had to write a curricular rationale for why it would be appropriate for an English class. Total bullshit.

I once promised a student that I would wear my hair in a pseudo-mohawk and then never followed through. I still will...someday.

I once made up my own words to "it's a hard knock life" (from Annie) and sang the song to my class.

I have never, ever cried in front of my class. They'll never get me.